Goodbye my Lover
by CJS-DEPPendent
Summary: My first song fic. What goes through Grissom's mind as he listens to James Blunt's 'Goodbye my lover' moments after loosing Sara to the miniture killer? Please Read and Review.


_**Disclaimer: **_I don't own the song or the characters.

_**AN:**_ If you don't like tragic things don't read further. This fic is sad from beginning to end.

In the show, I'm all for Sara surviving…but I think this song is perfect if she doesn't…so…here goes…

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**Goodbye my Lover.**

Arriving home from the hospital, Grissom dropped on to the bed, his mind clouded by everything that had just happened. He'd failed. He'd failed her, he'd failed the team, he'd failed himself.

If only he'd been faster, if only he'd figured out the case earlier. She might still be with him, lying in his arms, her fresh scent invading his senses. Instead, she was lying in the morgue.

He couldn't bare the silence.

Reaching for the remote, he turned on the radio. _No…_ he thought as Sara's favourite station went on. He couldn't handle this. But the song…it fit so well with what he was feeling. Every word seemed to have been written for that moment.

_**Did I disappoint you or let you down?**_

He knew he had. He should have saved her. She'd needed him and he hadn't been there.

_  
__**Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?**_

He knew she'd say he shouldn't blame himself. But how could he not?

_  
__**'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,  
Yes I saw you were blind and I knew I had won.**_

He felt the lump in his throat threaten to choke him and took a deep breath.

_  
__**So I took what's mine by eternal right.  
Took your soul out into the night.  
It may be over but it won't stop there,  
I am here for you if you'd only care.  
**__  
__**You touched my heart you touched my soul.**_

It was true. Sara Sidle had touched him in so many ways he was no longer the same man. He couldn't bare to think he'd never see her face again, he'd never hear her laugh or feel her hand in his.

_  
__**You changed my life and all my goals.**__  
_He thought back on what his life had been and what it was now. How he'd lived for his work and now lived for her. He closed his eyes to hold back tears.

_**And love is blind but then I knew it,  
My heart was blinded by you.  
**_He'd been so blind. He'd thought she was there for ever. He'd never thought she might go. He'd never even imagined what he'd do without her.

_  
__**I've kissed your lips and held your head.  
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.  
I know you well, I know your smell.  
I've been addicted to you.  
**_He remembered her lips, and their first kiss. He remembered her telling him how she dreamt of them growing old together. He remembered the sleepless nights spent in each other's arms. He did know her. He knew her better then anybody else and she knew him. He knew her fears and dreams, her thoughts and feelings. And that smell, how would he ever live without it? The lump kept growing and he felt tears accumulate on the edge of his eyes.

_  
__**Goodbye my lover.**_

He'd never get to say goodbye.

_  
__**Goodbye my friend.  
**_He'd lost a lover and a friend.

_**You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.**_

She was the one. The only one; and now she was gone and he'd have to live the rest of his days in empty silence.__

_**I am a dreamer and when I wake,  
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.  
And as you move on, remember me,  
Remember us and all we used to be  
**_How he hoped there was a heaven. How he hoped that somewhere in the stars, Sara was watching him. Remembering every moment she'd spent with him, keeping his heart safe until they met again.

_  
__**I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.**_

He couldn't hold on now…

_  
__**I've watched you sleeping for a while.  
**_He turned on the bed to face the place where Sara usually lay. It was empty.

_**I'd be the father of your child.**_

This one stung. Doc Robbins had been the one to tell him. He couldn't hold back the tears any more. On top of it all, he'd lost a child.

_  
__**I'd spend a lifetime with you.**__  
_He reached in his pocket and removed the deep blue velvet box. He'd never get to hear her answer.

_  
__**I know your fears and you know mine.**__  
_Did she? Did she know he feared he'd never survive without her?

_**We've had our doubts but now we're fine,  
And I love you, I swear that's true.  
I cannot live without you.  
**_He remembered all the hard times. All the years wasted and thought of how everything ha fallen into place. He thought of how much he loved her and how rarely he'd told her. He couldn't do it. He couldn't live without her.

_  
__**Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.**_

Grissom felt a single tear tumble from his blue eyes and drip onto the pillow.__

_**And I still hold your hand in mine.  
In mine when I'm asleep.  
And I will bear my soul in time,  
When I'm kneeling at your feet.  
**_He placed his hand on Sara's pillow. He closed his eyes. It was too hard. Looking out the window, he imagined Sara's face. Lit up by all the stars, telling him it would be alright.

**Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.**

**I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.  
****I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.**

For the first time in his adult life, Gil Grissom wept. He wept for hours until sleep took over grief and led him into peaceful dreams of Sara Sidle.

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_**Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think.**_


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